The Testimony of Kurt
For me, 1989 was the year of most life-changing events since my
decision to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. It was the year of my
liberation from the closet, from homophobic ex-gay ministries, and from
singleness.
After three years in the ex-gay movement, I was a wreck. I wasn't receiving the
promise of "healing" or "deliverance" from homosexuality that so many like
myself sought. As a leader in the movement, others would confide in me their
inability to control their homosexual desires. While I tried to comfort them, my
own failure indicated to me that I was living a lie. After years of living a
celibate Christian life, I felt no less gay than when I began my journey out of
"the homosexual lifestyle."
In desperation, I turned to a born-again Christian psychologist who specialized
in treating sexual compulsive disorders. One thing he told me I'll never forget.
He said he would never judge me if I embraced my homosexuality, and that my
decision was between God and me. Never in all my Christian walk had a Christian
told me he/she would not judge me based on my sexual orientation. After all the
years of struggle, his words were the impetus I needed to jump off the fence.
During this time, one of my gay co-workers told me about his church, Casa de
Cristo. I knew of Casa de Cristo, and its separation from MCC. Still, I was
leery: after all, didn't they have orgies in church?! My co-worker assuaged my
concerns.
The first service I attended at Casa de Cristo was the Sunday of The Evangelical
Network (TEN) conference in 1989. Throughout my Christian life I'd been taught
to look beyond the gifts of the Holy Spirit to the fruits of the Holy Spirit.
Were the fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness,
faithfulness, and self-control evident? Indeed they were, and in abundance. From
the moment I arrived, I knew I was home.
I continued attending Casa de Cristo, but nagging questions remained -- if this
is of God, what about all the scriptures I had learned that condemned gays and
lesbians? Senior Pastor Fred Pattison began a series on Sexuality and the
Christian. I absorbed his teachings like a sponge. I realized that other
Christians interpreted the "clobber scriptures" differently. Fred challenged us
to study scripture for ourselves. In so doing, like Saul of Tarsus, scales of
spiritual blindness fell from my eyes. I saw that God loved me just as He
created me, that my sexuality was a gift from God, and that I was to respect the
gift He gave me.
In August 1989, I met my husband Paul through a personal ad in a local
alternative newsmagazine. What drew me to his ad was his statement that he was a
Christian. Despite this, I was hesitant to pursue the relationship; so many
people had failed me before. Yet I trusted God.
Paul worshiped at Gentle Shepherd MCC. Here was another opportunity for God to
break down my walls of prejudice. I had been led to believe that MCC was at the
far left of Christendom. Through my interactions with Paul's congregation, I've
come to know many holy men and women in MCC who spanned the theological
spectrum.
As Christmas 1989 approached, I felt called to make a more permanent commitment
to Casa de Cristo. I was accepted into membership at the Christmas Eve service.
Reflecting back on 1989 that evening, I realized I began the year in turmoil,
afraid of my sexuality and disbelieving of God's love for me as I was. I ended
the year walking in freedom as an openly gay man. I threw the closet door wide
open and proclaimed to my family and friends of my deliverance from ministries
determined to change what God fully intended me to be. God didn't heal me of
homosexuality; there was nothing from which I needed to be healed except my own
inability to accept God's love for me.
Kurt L. Jacobowitz-Cain
Phoenix, Arizona
|
