The Testimony of Todd
Basically, I grew up in your everyday normal
family. I lived with both of my parents and my sister who is
three years older than myself. My sister was born in 1963 while
my father was finishing his college education at Evangelical
College in Springfield, Missouri. My father was going to school
to be a Minister of Music in the Assemblies of God denomination.
My mother's father was already Pastoring an Assemblies of God
church in St. Louis at this time. In 1966 I came on the scene in
St. Louis, Missouri. Our family attended church every time the
doors were open. I can't say that it was something I hated, but
it was something expected so I never questioned it. I assumed
everyone in the world got up on Sunday and went to church.
After a brief one year stay in a small town in Southeast Missouri
around 1968-69, my family moved to Dallas, Texas where my father
got a position as Minister of Music at an Assembly of God church.
He didn't last long there, because he got tired of all the
political garbage that went on in the church. Therefore, we moved
to another home in the same town and my father became Minister of
Music at a different A/G church. That lasted only about a year
also.
My father then entered Mortuary School in Dallas and then left
the Ministry full-time to become a funeral director. When I
reached 3rd Grade, we moved to Benton, Kentucky where my father
worked in a funeral home there. It was here we experienced our
first exposure to a Charismatic Church. We stayed there for 3
years, until my father relocated back to St. Louis to work for
another funeral home. He worked for them for about 2-3 years
before he finally got tired of being on call 24 hours a day and
never getting to see his family. He left the funeral business and
went to work for the telephone company, where he has been ever
since. The on-going joke has been that he went from burying
people to burying telephone poles.
I became aware of certain things (sexually) at around age 6 or 7.
I don't know exactly how I got to know these things because TV
was censored, and we only attended G Rated movies. But it is very
apparent to me that I knew about sex at that age in my life. This
awareness and discovery continued privately on my own for the
rest of my childhood and even adult life. I don't know why, but
there seemed to be something in me that caused me to be a sexual
person at an early age. I definitely know this was not something
I learned, because of my home life, but rather was something I
search outside the home to learn about. At age 6 or 7 I was
already having fantasies about my male friends and even some
contact with them. This remained my secret. At this age in my
life I didn't know it was called gay, I didn't call it anything.
I did, however, know that this would not be acceptable to my
family if they found out, so I hid it from them.
As I grew up I had girlfriends, because that is what you are
supposed to have. There is a great deal of pressure to have a
girlfriend. I had many and my sexual intrigue continued on with
them. I wouldn't say that I was bisexual at this point, I think I
merely was acting out what I felt was the "social norm"
for a Christian young man. (Not that fooling around was
acceptable, but being straight was) One thing I have always found
very strange about the A/G people is that when a kid is young,
all the older men in the church bug you about, "Do you have
a girlfriend?". There is so much pressure to fit in, yet the
A/G's are so adamant against pre-marital sex. Funny huh?
My family is a musical family and we all have participated in one
form of music or another. My mother sings, my father sings and
plays the piano/organ, my sister played the clarinet in the
marching band, and I played the trumpet in the band and play the
piano and sing today. I stayed involved in the music and band
while in school. I've never been the type to participate in
sports, but enjoy watching sports, especially the Dallas Cowboys!
Anyway, throughout Junior High and High School most of my friends
were girls. I wouldn't say they were a cover for me, because I
cared for them and still do, but my attractions were for other
guys. I didn't look at the girls the way I did the guys. I would
look at one guy in High School and would melt at his cute dimples
in his smile and wish I could be with him rather than the
cheerleader who was wrapped up in his arms at the school dances.
I was very closeted growing up. I didn't initiate anything or
advance on anyone. I would wait for them to make the first move
then would react. I behaved in some pretty unbecoming manners
growing up. I was a very inquisitive person. Always wanting to
know more about being with guys. (Again, this was before I knew
it to be called "gay") It seemed that even when I
wasn't trying, I would find myself in situations that would lead
to "an encounter" with a male. I would go to the
bathroom at the mall and be approached, I was approached by a guy
at a church camp, I was approached by friends of the family, and
many other situations. All this was going on in my private world.
"I can't talk to my family about this", I said to
myself. "They won't understand and they will probably freak
out and make me do something more religious." So, I kept my
secrets to myself, and hid myself in the loving arms of Christ
through the vehicle of Contemporary Christian Music and people
like Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith.
Upon graduating from High School in St. Louis, I went to college
at University of Missouri-St. Louis. I got involved in the music
department because I dreamed of using my music abilities to
glorify God. I wanted to be a Contemporary Christian Singer. Both
my parents encouraged me not to pursue that road because of the
struggle they had gone through. So, I decided to get a Business
Degree. I figured, you can do anything if you have one of those.
So, that is what I did. It was during College that I came out.
There were several people in the choir that were openly gay. They
were my first one-on-one exposure to openly gay people. I felt
really connected to them, but at the same time knew they weren't
living their lives for Christ, so I felt I had to be careful how
much time I spent with them or else my Christian friends in the
Choir would figure me out. In college I came out to my gay
friends, but not to my Christian friends. I retreated from my
Christian world for awhile and started going to the gay bars
dancing and just having fun. It was at a gay bar that I had my
first mixed drink. A Fuzzy Navel ( It's funny how conservative I
was in some areas of my life, but in other areas I seemed to be
living on the edge).
It was during this time, in the later part of my years in
college, that I began to think about my dream to be a Christian
Singer. I had left my grandfather's church because there were no
longer any young people left. I began attending a large
Charismatic Church that had 5,000 people in it. They had their
own TV program, music recording label, and they had the most
awesome Praise and Worship music I'd ever heard. (You have to
remember, the Assemblies got into Praise and Worship much later
and some still haven't.) I absolutely felt I was home! I would
come home from church dancing and singing. I would go over all
the songs we were doing for my dad. I could tell by the look on
his face he knew I was happy and he was glad I was at that
church. (He and my mom continued to attend my grandfather's
church.) I got really involved in the Charismatic church. I did a
summer intern in the Marketing Department of the Church's Music
Label during my Junior year of school. During this one year of
commitment, I decided that this was it, I was finally going to be
able to conquer this Homosexuality. I had never been so prayed up
in all my life. That experience was the best experience ever.
Only one thing, I was still gay. I repressed it and basically
didn't think about it or act out on it. I wouldn't say I became
straight, but I would say I became asexual for one year. One day
I just didn't call any of my 'old friends' back anymore. My life
became completely sold out to this work I was doing at the
church.
At the end of my intern the Assistant Pastor, that was my boss,
took me out to lunch. As we sat there eating, I confessed to him
that I felt as though I may be gay. To my absolute astonishment,
he didn't blink, flinch, squirm, nothing. He proceeded to tell me
that he has heard some people translate the verse where Paul
talks about, "having a thorn in his flesh" as though he
might have been gay. After reading that passage some more, I
don't agree, but the point is that I wasn't condemned, I was
loved unconditionally. I wasn't told to get my act together or
get out. I was treated as if it were no big deal. And I know
today it is no big deal. Sure it is to many in the Religious
Right, but the only Religious Right that I know is RIGHT is God,
and He created me to be the person I am and because I have given
Him my life, He will do the changing in me that is necessary. I
can't and shouldn't try to do it on my own. I tried for too many
years to change myself, but God has a purpose for me being here
and my part is to make myself available to Him. A few weeks after
this luncheon, I was driving down Highway 270 in St. Louis
listening to my Contemporary Christian Radio Station (WCBW) and I
was praying. I was pouring my heart out to God. I told Him how I
had prayed before, I had fasted, I had done all the 'things' the
church had told me to do and nothing was changing me. My
attraction for men was still there. And in my spirit God spoke to
me and said, "Todd, I love you! I love you just as you are.
I've created you and I have a purpose for your life. If you will
continue to follow me and keep your eyes on me, I will use you
one day" At first I questioned this. I thought that had to
be me talking to myself, subconsciously.
So I started examining myself internally. But the voice I heard
came through my chest, not my ears or my head. It was as if God
were speaking directly into my heart.
Although I knew I had heard from God, it still took me 2-3 years
to finally come to accept myself as a gay male. The hardest part
for me was Spiritually. I had always been led to believe that I
would go to hell if I were gay. I withdrew from the Christianity
that I grew up on because I didn't see it being able to work
together with my homosexual side, but today realize that was a
lie of the enemy.
In 1988, two months before I finished college, my parents were
transferred to San Antonio, TX. It was during the time while
still in St. Louis that my folks found out about my sexuality.
That came about when the Names Quilt came to St. Louis and I went
to see it. It made an enormous impact on my life. As I walked
around looking at all the panels I saw people, not fabric. I saw
the personalities of people and the love that their friends had
for them. It was as if I was looking on if I was looking on
thousands of people laying and hanging there. I remember one
particular panel of a guy who was a Pan American flight
attendant. His picture was affixed to the panel. He was a very
good-looking fellow. As I stood there, something inside of me
clicked and I just broke down crying. I didn't know this person,
but I felt as if I did. Somehow right there we connected. That
evening I was speaking to my sister who lived in Dallas about
going to the exhibit. She started crying. She asked me if I had
AIDS. I started crying too and told her no I didn't but I was
gay. I have to laugh now. She kept insisting that I had AIDS. But
I kept insisting that I didn't. After speaking with her she
called mom and dad and told them.
Basically, the family didn't talk about it for about two years
after that. Dad would talk to me about it and mom had many
questions, but she felt uncomfortable, I guess, in talking to me
about it. Mom went through the usual feeling of loss, it being
her fault, depression, etc... I had read many books on coming out
prior to this happening, so I knew her feelings were not unusual.
Dad would tell me she had a lot of questions, and would encourage
her to talk to me about it, however, I think it was too difficult
for her and so she tried to use him to get the information.
I never pushed my parents to accept me. I knew it was difficult
for them to accept and knew that the hardest part was going to be
the spiritual side to it all. I let them take it on their own
time. I wrote them a letter and told them I knew they loved and
cared for me and when/if ever they had questions they could come
to me. It took mom and dad about 2 years to finally accept it. I
know there are still things they don't understand today, but that
is OK. There unconditional love is what I have and that is worth
it all.
I lived with mom and dad in San Antonio for one year prior to
being relocated to San Francisco with Marriott Corporation.
During that time I really was away from the Lord. I didn't like
the church my parents were going to because I felt the people
were a bit phony. My mom and dad tried to get me involved in the
young people's ministry there, but I had no interest. Basically
my life was working and going out dancing on the weekend. I
remember mom used to come into my room in the mornings and bend
down and kiss the top of my head. As she would kiss, she would
take a deep sniff to see if my hair smelled like cigarette smoke.
I didn't smoke, but she knew that smell meant I'd been out
dancing. I'm sure I gave mom several gray hairs during that time
in my life.
In 1989, two weeks prior to the earthquake, I moved to San
Francisco. I still was not involved with church and I remember my
mom asking me each week if I had gone to church the Sunday
before. I tried the Assembly of God Church here, but felt like I
was on pins and needles. I had accepted myself as a gay man, but
knew they would not. I began going to a catholic church's 10:00
am mass because they had a chamber choir which reminded me of the
choir I had been in during college. Coming from my
Charismatic/Evangelical background this was a big difference. The
experience at the Catholic church was good for me because it
allowed me to pray to God and not feel like I was being looked at
or judged. I slipped in and out and never had to talk to anyone
other than give a few, "peace be with you's".
In 1991 things really began to change in my life spiritually. The
founders of Exodus International (Gary Cooper and Michael Bussey)
were speaking at a local MCC church about their experience in
this ex-gay ministry and how they were out of it now. I had
received literature about this group while living in St. Louis
and thought I would go and hear what they had to say about it.
The event was very good and the next day I contemplated whether
to go back for church or not. I had experienced some negative
things at several MCC's before and was expecting the worst, but I
did go. I found a group within the church that were on fire and
hungry for the Lord. This was very exciting to me They were
telling me about this conference that they were going to in
Phoenix called TEN (The Evangelical Network).
It was too late for me to go that year, but I loved the stories
that they spoke of when they came back. Many talked about the
church down there, Casa de Cristo Evangelical Church, and how
much they loved it.
A few months after that, I went back to San Antonio to pick up my
car from my parents home. I planned my trip back so that I would
hit Phoenix on Wednesday and could go to their evening service. I
remember a friend of mine, Bill Byrd, hooking me up with a guy by
the name of Jose Sanchez to stay with. Upon contacting Jose, I
found out he was going to be out of town in San Francisco.
Although he offered me his place to stay at, I declined because I
felt uncomfortable staying at someone's home without them there.
Instead, Ron Johnson, a wonderful brother in Christ, contacted me
and offered me a coupon he had received for a free night at the
Days Inn right down from the church. I still remember getting
lost coming into town and Ron meeting me at the Circle K by the
Airport and helping me get to where I needed to be.
That evening I attended the service and was just thrilled that I
had found people who loved the Lord and were gay/lesbian
Christians. This was all so exciting. I did a lot of crying the
rest of the way to San Francisco. Not because of being sad, but
because of being happy. It was one of those experiences where
Christ confirmed His presence in my life.
When I arrived back to San Francisco I met Bill Byrd's friend,
Jose Sanchez. He was a nice guy, but not the type of guy I was
interested in. We exchanged telephone numbers in order to stay in
contact with each other for fellowship.
A few months after getting back, a group of us in the MCC church
asked the pastor if we could start a more intensive Bible Study.
The pastor agreed and we met for some time.
But one day we ran into a snag when a bit of the flesh entered
the group and some were getting ideas that they might want to
take this group and start a church. Although most of us weren't
happy with the way some of the things were going at the MCC, most
of us weren't interested in sneaking around like that. The pastor
caught wind of it and basically we were locked out of the place
we had been meeting. We took that as if we were no longer
welcomed, and continued holding bible study in people's home.
We were praying about God's direction in our lives. In October of
1991, the weekend of the tragic Oakland fires, the pastor of Casa
de Cristo and about eight others from his church flew up to San
Francisco to help us lay the ground work of becoming a church.
From 1991 to 1994 was a very difficult time for us. God had
placed in us a vision to reach gay and lesbians who came from a
more Charismatic/Evangelical background. Not everyone in the
group shared that vision and so we had many people leave. As of
November 1993 we were down to 2 people, Bill Byrd and myself. We
just wanted to throw our hands up in the air, but God would not
allow us to do that. There was another church in town at that
time, which was more Pentecostal in style. They too were
struggling. As of the first Sunday of 1994 the two churches
merged together into what is now Freedom in Christ Evangelical
Church of San Francisco.
We had a pastor for eight months, until August 1994. After he
left the church we went from a pastor led church to a board of
elders led church. This was due primarily because there were no
candidates seeking the pastors position. It actually has worked
very well because each elder brings gifts and talents that the
others don't necessarily possess.
I will have to tell you, it has been very difficult, but we are
currently seeing God move in a mighty way in the church. We all
have been stretched and purged by God so many times over it's
just amazing. I still remember back on that Highway in St. Louis
where God told me if I would keep my eyes on Him He would use me
one day. Right now I feel is that time. I feel this is what God
was talking about. I am blessed to be part of God's work in
bringing sheep unto Him.
In 1992, one year of getting to know each other over the
telephone, Jose Sanchez and I entered into a relationship
together. I still remember calling my dad and telling him that I
had found a mate. He told me he had been praying that God would
send me a mate, although that wasn't what he had in mind. I then
told him along with this mate came two children. Dad then
proceeded in telling me he had also been praying that God would
give him some grandkids in California. Although that wasn't what
he had in mind either, he accepted Jose, Jose Jr., Frankie, and
myself with loving and open arms.
Our pastor had been on the TEN council up until his resignation
in 1994. At that time I stepped in to fill his term and was then
elected to continue on after that. I have been involved with The
Evangelical Network since that point and in February 1997 was
elected to serve as the President of the Network. I am truly
humbled by the decision of my peers to fill this position. In
many ways I have felt so inadequate for the position, but have
received so much encouragement from those within the
organization. I think back to a time I spent in prayer with God
one night while swimming alone in the pool at my apartment
complex. I looked up and the sky was filled with stars. I told
God I wanted to be nothing more than a vessel that He could use.
I asked Him to give me that desire and heart to serve Him and I
told Him I would do that in whatever capacity He chose. I'm blown
away and truly humbled at the doors He has opened for me to
minister and I never want to lose that attitude.
Most of my family know about my life now, not that all accept it.
But that is OK, because my life I live for Christ not for anyone
here on earth. I don't expect some to understand or accept, I
realize that is just how some people are going to be. But I
praise God that I have the peace to accept them and love them
where they are at, acceptance or not.
This letter is my testimony. I hope that in some way it has
helped you get to know me and also helped you see how God is
working in the lives of His gay/lesbian Children. This letter
doesn't end here, but it will continue to grow as God continues
to give me life .
God Bless You...Todd Ferrell
E-mail Todd at PacificaTodd@aol.com
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